New to Refiner’s Fire? I encourage you to read the FORWARD.
From inside my car all I could do was stare at the church. Was I ready to go inside? I took a deep breath.
I was broken AND IT FELT SO GOOD.
All my life I’ve felt unworthy of love; at the same time, I’ve craved approval and the respect of others.
It was equally strange and overwhelming. What a wonderful feeling! I didn’t care what others thought of me.
I felt free! I felt like flying into the church!
I had just lived through a horrific week – but, I’d survived. Now the person in whom I had placed so much of my trust abandoned me! My body raged with terror, but as I sat in the parking lot, I felt that I was in the best place emotionally and spiritually that I had ever been. I wish I could find the words to express what I felt in that moment.
It didn’t matter what others thought. It didn’t matter being rejected. What really mattered? Jesus loved me!
A huge burden was off my shoulders!
In the days before, when I entered the psychiatric hospital, Joe said, “Wanda, you know you are lucky because the Lord is forcing you to deal with things that all of us should deal with, but don’t.”
How often had I longed for the favor of others. More than the favor of God I wanted people to accept me. To like me. To respect me. I put God in second place.
God knew what I needed: Brokenness. He took me to the one place that I thought screamed out to the world that I was no good; I was useless! Going into a psychiatric hospital proved I was not worthy to be loved. The opposite happened. Going into the hospital that week broke me. It’s where God showed me truth about myself.
How freeing to be completely broken. I didn’t care about anything but the Almighty God.
I wish I could tell you how the sense of brokenness remained with me. But it didn’t. At seventy-three, I’m still learning to accept who God created me to be. It’s called surrender.
The Triune God allowed me to experience His joy, the freedom there is in putting Him first. The memory of that moment reassured me of what’s waiting for me; my eternal future with Almighty God – when I no longer have to struggle with my sinful nature.
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not
worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (ESV)
Assignment 8
My CHALLENGE to you —
Grab a cup of coffee and imagine you are sitting with me as we chat right now.
Joe was right – I was “lucky,” or more importantly blessed.
God showed how essential it is to put the Triune God first. Today, I grasp with joy the words of the song below! Almighty God loves me enough to take me where it’s best for me, even though it is filled with pain.
When we walk with the Triune God suffering is not bad – it is good. It takes us to places where we are able to sing the song below with deep inner joy. But KNOW! The pain still hurts just as much.
Though You Slay Me Shane & Shane (featuring John Piper)
Next page: A “Door” Opens
Yes we are all broken living in the ruins of Eden, but God has restored, will restore and will keep restoring , thankful to have found you because the church does not do a good job on the sacredness of lament and yet we need to lament and weep and fall fully into His arms,
Yes, I am in the process of studying and practicing “mourning and dancing.” One day I’m sure it will find its way into the Blog 🙂 I have experienced a lot of loss – one was a beautiful garden I had for a few years. (some of it is seen in God Sighting page) I couldn’t even look at the pictures – but I’ve made them my screen saver and they rotate through when my computer is ready to go into sleep phase. I’m learning to thank the Lord for the days he gave me with that beautiful garden and at the same time mourn the loss of it. It is definitely a dance of emotions; however a freeing dance.
Thanks for your encouragement Debbie. I need to spend some time on your Blog haven’t had time yet. Hopefully in the next few days. God bless.