From my March 2, 1982, Journal:

Precious Jesus,

I humbly come before You – recognizing my total dependency on You.  I am unworthy to greet you. Your unending love is marvelous. Your compassion is beyond understanding.

Jesus, to be very honest, I am just FED UP with this fear thing.

The terror has worn me down. I’m tired of analyzing every situation to make sure I can get through it. I’m tired of feeling sick to my stomach, of having continual diarrhea. Lord I want to be healed! I want to be normal. Am I doing something wrong?

Jesus, I know You can heal me right now! Why won’t You?  I know You have my best interest at heart. Jesus, please show me what you are doing. Is there something I need to do? Please, let this be ended! I beg You!

I may look normal in this 1982 snapshot.

But on the “inside” I was traumatized.

 I craved relief … a normal life. Being a wife, mother, Director of Children’s Ministry was a challenge, then add a body telling my brain I was terrorized.

I was exhausted!

How could I serve God with terror ruling my life?

I made an appointment with my primary doctor. Sharing my story, his reaction was the same as my doctor in Oregon.

He gave me an anti-anxiety prescription. I was excited to try it – if just something would ease the internal terror. I so longed for a “normal” life, and bee-lined it to our small pharmacy. ”Mrs. Parker, your prescription will be ready in twenty-four hours.” It was music to my ears.

The next day, the pharmacist immediately looked up from counting pills when I walked in and said, with a serious look on his face, “This drug may cause seizures and, with your epilepsy, it’s too great a risk for me to sell this to you. Please call your doctor and ask him to prescribe something else.”

I went home and called my doctor. I explained what the pharmacist told me, but his response wasn’t what I expected. In an angry voice, he said, “Mrs. Parker, I suggested what I thought would help you, if you won’t take that then I have nothing else to suggest!” He hung up.

I was stung. I was stuck. I didn’t know what else to do.  

I went to the book store and purchased every book there was on Agoraphobia. I didn’t have Agoraphobia. Though a suggestion in one of the books has helped me to this day. Remind yourself that this is only a feeling, feelings don’t hurt you.

There are times when internal pressure becomes so great there is a physical pain. I don’t know what it does to the mind, but it’s hard to get the mind believing it won’t hurt me.

This internal pressure has amazing control over my mind, convincing me I am terrorized.

Assignment 28

My CHALLENGE to you —

Let’s grab a cup of coffee … imagine you and I are sitting together chatting.

Fed Up! Ever been there?

“We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for. God engineers everything; wherever He puts us our one great aim is to pour out a whole-hearted devotion to Him in that particular work. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.” My Utmost for His Highest, April 23^rd, Oswald Chambers.

Forty years of walking with terror there has been an underlying thought that if He would just heal me then I could do so much more for Him.

What if the primary purpose of my life is to bring God glory by surrendering to Him with thanksgiving while in the midst of terror?THANKSGIVING

What if the main purpose of your life is to bring God glory through your suffering?

Listen to the words of Though You Slay Me

Is Jesus truly all that you need?

What is the “peculiar glory” that Jesus is receiving from where He has placed you? You probably can’t see it. You probably won’t until you are at home with Jesus.

Once again it is time to surrender and to ask God, “please don’t let me waste this pain.”

The Hurt & the Healer   Mercy Me

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here 

Read through the remaining words below and ponder them. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you insight and understanding of the need for renewed surrender this day.

Lyrics:

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have.
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here 

Next Post: Passion and Vision … Amidst Terror