New to Refiner’s Fire? I encourage you to read the FORWARD.
As Joe and I ran errands, the internal terror was horrid. I was losing my sanity. I silently kept screaming at Jesus…
Please, please, Jesus; take me home.
I don’t have the strength to continue.
I’m losing my mind.
I slid down in the car seat, trying to find some comfort somewhere.
Joe pulled into a shopping center saying, “Why don’t we stop and get some frozen yogurt?”
I just wanted to go home.
He ran into the yogurt shop; I stayed in the car.
As I sat there, I continued to call on Jesus, begging Him to take me home. I looked out the car window and into the side view mirror. It was strange. It was as if I saw Jesus walking from a distance toward the car. I held my breath.
He was standing outside the car speaking through the closed window,
“To live is Christ and to die is gain.”
My head swirled as I sat there “looking” at Him. The tears that had been flowing for some time exploded. The words flowed from my heart.
“Okay,
I won’t live for myself;
I won’t live for Joe;
I won’t live for my children.
But if You have more work for me,
I’ll live for YOU!”
Jesus was gone.
I hadn’t actually seen Jesus. I don’t know how to explain it. It was as if He was without substance walking in mist.
Joe returned to the car and I was shaking, he looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?”
I nodded my head.
Since that moment, I don’t believe I ever asked the Lord to take me home again. My continual plea is for wisdom along with desire and strength to please Him in the midst of the pain.
The raging body of terror continued; it even got worse.
“For me to live is Christ, but to die is gain.” What does that mean?
Go here for an explanation from John Piper.
God has given me a few months of relief from my raging, painful body. In the last week, it has returned; though now rather than terror, I seem to be fighting with depression, something that is new to me. But maybe that is what the terror has been and my emotions misread the physical feeling. I truly don’t know.
Life as a caretaker is not something I imagined when I made the commitment to Jesus in that parking lot – if You have more work for me to do, I’ll live for YOU!”
My husband, Joe, has been diagnosed with Multiple Systems Atrophy, a Parkinsonism. His body is slowly atrophying and the disease is also attacking his brain. There have been nine different areas of care that I must track every day. This afternoon two more areas were added. The stress I’m sure is what is bringing on the raging body.
This is certainly one of the things Christ had planned for me to do – care of Joe.
As He has continually provided the wisdom and strength I needed to push through for the past 40 years, He still is doing.
Today the physical therapist showed me something else she wanted me to do with Joe. I wanted to just give up. I told Jesus as I turned my back on the therapist and walked out of the room, “I don’t want to do this; I don’t have the strength to do this but I know I have to do this.”
The therapist walked out saying, “Wanda, you have so much being thrown at you, it is difficult for your brain to process everything.”
My desire is to rejoice in the opportunity He is giving me to bring Him glory through my obedience in this difficult walk He has me.
Will you pray for me that the Triune God will give me the wisdom, desire and strength to please Him as I care for Joe? Thank you.
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